Kieran Bicheno
Kieran Bicheno Thaii Chung

Why wanting faster Internet makes you a criminal

Dear How Do I: Business?

I run a bait and tackle shop in Maroochydore and I'm just about ready to throw my modem through a window.

How can I get an internet connection that won't drop out every 10 seconds? I can't run a business like this.

We live in a first world country, why can't I rely on something as simple as EFTPOS?

Sincerely,

Offline and angry

Dear Offline,

Why do you want faster Internet? We've just had an election on this issue and everyone else seems to think copper is fast enough.

What significant chunks of information could a small business owner possibly want to communicate?

Are you a gamer trying to get your latest kick of murder and violence? Is that why you want a reliable connection?

Are you using your EFTPOS to sell drugs? Are you part of some dark internet where chemists and paedophiles trade their ungodly wares?

You're pirating television shows aren't you? You're robbing executives of their hard-earned dollar.

Copper has been state-of-the-art since the 1880s. Perhaps you're just no good as a business person.

Don't you worry, you'll be getting your pipeline of porn and violence soon enough. The National Broadband Network will be rolled out in your area at some point in the next three years. Fortunately it won't be that disgusting fibre-optic cable that's corrupting our youth and turning them into hardened criminals.


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