Australia’s ‘worst town’ revealed
You'd think, given that we spent most of 2020 inside with the weekly trip to Coles our greatest source of entertainment, Australians would have a more favourable view of the locales they inhabit.
Yet our year of involuntary reclusiveness hasn't stopped Rick Furphy and Geoff Rissole from once again igniting fury in the hearts of residents everywhere, from Port Pirie to Alice Springs - unveiling their annual "Sh*t Town Power Rankings" over the weekend.
The pair are the masterminds behind the Facebook phenomenon (and potentially the social media platform's most controversial page), Sh*t Towns of Australia, where close to a quarter of a million people espouse their love - or declare their hatred - for locations around the country.
And the winner of this year's rankings probably won't come as a surprise - with Logan, Queensland, the "cr*phole voted Sh*t Town of the Year for second year running".
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"Congratulations to LOGAN on being voted Sh*t Town of the Year for the second year running! Bogan City managed to out-sh*t the putrid poo pit of Port Pirie in the final, winning back-to-back brown crowns and being named the sh*ttiest town in this sh*ttiest of years. Gives yourselves a pat on the backside, Logan!" the pair wrote.
"Common hobbies in Logan include getting sh*tfaced and hitting someone with a bit of wood, committing ram raids in hot-wired Holden Coloradoes, and intergenerational welfare dependency," they wrote in a past review of the city.
"A popular venue is the Logan Hyperdome, where flannel-clad rednecks fight to the death over Centrelink payments."
Makes you want to pack your things and move there now, no?
Behold, the other nine so-called worst places in Australia.
NIMBIN, NEW SOUTH WALES
Given the current state of the world - with conspiracy theorists rife in our local and international communities - it's no surprise Nimbin, "an anarchic enclave inhabited by feral packs of cannibalistic anti-vaxxer chemtrail conspiracy theorist mountain hippies", has been in Rissole and Furphy's sights.
"Do not engage with the Nimbinese, do not share their weed, and whatever you do, do not purchase their tacky T-shirts or home-crocheted bong cosies - this will only encourage them to peddle more pointless cr*p and discourage them from having a shower and getting a job," they wrote.
ADELAIDE, SOUTH AUSTRALIA
South Australia's capital of Adelaide, supposedly known as the "City of Churches, Pubs and Serial Killers", has found itself in the page's wrath more than once.
"The city's roll of gory crimes includes a series of gruesome murders committed by a shadowy cabal of paedophiles, a series of gruesome murders committed by a bunch of drongos on the dole, and Jimmy Barnes's musical career," the pair wrote in a review.
It earned its latest ranking for a prisoner who escaped by using a rope of clothes before stealing an electric bike and a car and a "gronk" charged with trafficking who asked hotel reception to "look after his big bag of drugs".
"Brisvegas" is another repeat offender, lately because its "public transport (is) ranked worst in Australia" and police shot an "alleged carjacker in the arse".
Rissole and Furphy have previously labelled the Queensland capital "a notorious cultural graveyard where high art is spray painting d**ks on walls and fine dining is choosing not to use the drive-thru".
"Brisvegans are also strangely proud of their beaches, despite the nearest being nearly two hours away in crippling traffic. The only strip of sand within the city limits is Streets Beach, a nasty man-made slurry pit full of used condoms and dead bin chickens," they wrote.
PORT PIRIE, SOUTH AUSTRALIA
If you're familiar with Sh*t Towns of Australia's work, you know by now that South Australia's Port Pirie somehow always works its way onto Rissole and Furphy's lists.
It might not have taken out the title, but fear not: the vendetta holds firm. The loss is only because it's "too sh*t to win Sh*t Towns competition".
"Sitting (and sh*tting) on a polluted tidal river replete with lead-poisoned dolphins, the seaside smelter town of Port Pirie possess all the charm of a soiled-man nappy," the pair wrote.
The "smelter" from "producing copious amounts of heavy metals" has resulted in a "population of braindead lead-heads".
"This causes developmental difficulties resulting in all manner of anti-social behaviour, as evidenced by elevated levels of racism and country music, the preservation of a mural of notorious sex pest Rolf Harris, and the large lady who famously flashed her K-cups at the Google Street View car."
PERTH, WESTERN AUSTRALIA
Not to be forgotten is WA's capital city of Perth, chosen for its "randy kookaburras" causing "mass blackout by rooting on powerlines", a cafe that allegedly "serves kids brownies laced with weed", the vegan who took her neighbours to court to stop their backyard barbecues, a "d*ckhead" who ripped the head off of a celebrity kookaburra, and a "toddler found sucking on a used condom in McDonalds".
HERVEY BAY, QUEENSLAND
"Sprawled along the shores of an unsightly silty mudflat, Hervey Bay is an overpriced, overgrown clump of villages held together by endless trailer parks and old people asylums, making it Sh*t Town Voltron," a review of the "Caravan Capital of Australia".
"Pervy Bay" earned its place on the list because of a "gronk" who lead cops on a chase in a stolen Woolworths truck, but the critique doesn't stop there.
"The lack of normal entertainment options makes it ideal for retirees seeking 'peace and quiet' so they can simulate the conditions of their impending death away from the disruptive gaze of immigrants and gays," the pair wrote.
"Hervey Bay claims to be the 'Caravan Capital of Australia', which is a bit like boasting about having the most venereal diseases in your cell block."
NOWRA, NEW SOUTH WALES
"Founded by a convict and populated by packs of deadshits and f*ckwits, Nowra is basically the set of a failed Chris Lilley show," the pair wrote in a review of this NSW town.
"Despite being the South Coast region's commercial and administrative centre, Nowra is somehow completely devoid of jobs, leaving its residents with nothing to do but biff shopping trolleys into the river or get in a glass fight at Posties."
Disagree with the results? Got a sh*ttier town to add - or did your own not make the cut? Tell us in the comments below.
Originally published as Australia's 'worst town' revealed