NRL clubs hoping Christmas wishes become a reality
AN EMAIL mysteriously arrived over the weekend and while private and rather personal, it was not intended for my eyes. Emanating from the NRL, the email was addressed to Santa.
Obviously someone at NRL headquarters - presumably big boss Dave Smith - had canvassed his member clubs for their season 2015 wish list, promising they would be passed on to the man in the big red suit.
And as can be seen from the list below, those wishes were many and varied, interesting and intriguing, negative and positive. But even if a little cryptic, most were candid.
WE NEED Ben Hunt and Anthony Milford to become the modern-day Alfie and Kevvie, and for Mitch Garbutt, Adam Blair and James Gavet to provide some much-needed grunt.
FIND us the winning edge - we have lost two grand finals in three years. And please deliver us a new captain who can be as narky and polarising as Mick Ennis.
WE RESPECTFULLY request that during the finals - and we will be there again in 2015 - no video referee is appointed to our games.
IS IT possible for Norm Provan, Johnny Raper, Graeme Langlands and Billy Smith to come out of retirement? We lack their experience, and specifically Norm's size.
IN ABOUT April, when Jarryd Hayne finally realises his NFL dream was in fact a nightmare, can we have salary cap concessions to re-sign our marquee player when he arrives home?
COULD you provide us with a new code of conduct document, with simple words in big letters that most of our boys can understand?
CAN that radar, under which we flew last year, be made a little less prominent in 2015? We are only into the third of our five-year plan.
PLEASE hypnotise Tom Burgess and convince him he is Sam, and send Tom and George 'big man' mirrors so they can fully comprehend the power of their massive frames.
LEAVE under the Christmas tree of all players a DVD of our final three games last season, which we won and in the process broke a record 105 tackles.
WE RESPECTFULLY request you inform Laurie Daley that he is right - Bulldogs halves Reynolds and Hodkinson should play Origin ahead of our boys Pearce and Maloney.
BRETT Stewart wants a GPS so he can regularly visit his brother Glenn and his good mate Anthony Watmough. Otherwise he might never smile again.
THANK-you already Santa for sending us Dale Finucane. We cannot believe our good fortune with this very late off-season signing.
PLEASE install security cameras at our ground that will detect the presence at Shark Park of anyone who looks, walks or smells like a dispensing chemist.
WE NEED to find the bookmaker at Sportingbet who has posted our 2015 premiership odds at $19. He obviously knows something we don't.
PLEASE, please, please Santa, make sure our players are in bed by 6 o'clock every night and give young Greggie Bird a voucher to attend toilet training school.
A DICTIONARY please, with the word consistency simply explained. Could you also arrange for us to play all our 2015 games in Auckland?