Tonight was just unnecessary and painful.
Tonight was just unnecessary and painful.

Graphic move pushes Bach to ‘gutting’ limit

"Gutted" contestants have watched on in terror from the sidelines as a frontrunner performs graphic acts on the man they want to date - the horrific moment made worse by its location in a place none of us should ever be trapped in: a western Sydney rec centre.

It's danger week and the rules are unclear but I guess it just means we're all in danger of being bored to death and then when they find our bodies in front of the TV with Osher on the screen, everyone will forever think we loved The Bachelor and they'll get Tim Robards and Anna Heinrich to make a special appearance at our funeral but it won't be that special because Tim and Anna literally appear at every event.


I've gotta say, tonight's episode is particularly … what's the word? Garbage. We're forced on a bunch of meh dates and the meh-ness continues at the cocktail party. It's such a let-down because we actually had such a wonderful time in that rat nest of a mansion last night. We framed Rachael as a cheater and then pulled out the receipts and dragged her. It was a truly exhilarating experience. I won't forget it for as long as I live.

But it seems producers wasted all the good stuff on last night and they've got zero gear to serve up tonight. Honestly, there's no excuse. It's not that hard - just trick some other bozo into cheating so we can drag her! Get someone else to hurl another crude insult! Do what it takes. This is your job!

Me looking for better content.
Me looking for better content.

What have we got tonight? Everyone rocks up to some rec centre in western Sydney and tries to swing around on a rope like P!nk.

Not P!nk.
Not P!nk.

Then Matt and Abbie engage in what I think is heterosexual intercourse.

Is this how they do it?
Is this how they do it?

It's disgusting and all the girls - who are forced to watch the horrific scene from the sidelines - react appropriately.

"I find it gutting. It's really disappointing," that chick with the Emily Blunt accent snips. And indeed, it is disappointing. It's bad enough we're piled into a Tarago and driven out to western Sydney and locked in a rec centre where we're forced to watch a P!nk concert without P!nk. But now we have to watch a sex scene unfold on a foam yoga mat that probably smells funny? No thank you.

Abbie can't stand the sight of Matt rolling around on smelly yoga mats with other girls so she keeps grinding on him and it just becomes too much. She has decided Elly is her nemesis and she needs to wipe her out.

"Sorry Elly, but time's up," she spits. I'm sure the ladies of the Time's Up movement will be thrilled to know their slogan is being used on a dating show where one man tries to sleep with 21 women.

So, Abbie … wins? I don't exactly know how. But all of a sudden it's night and the rec centre is pitch black and Matt and Abbie get tangled in some ropes and start kissing.

"No one else has the chemistry I have with Matt," Abbie informs us.

And yes. Abbie has fantastic chemistry with Matt. And by "chemistry" we mean she just keeps moaning and whispering "mmm naughty" in Matt's ear.

As a sidenote: if you're looking to terrify your hairdresser, next time she's washing your hair, just open your eyes and stare up at her from the basin while moaning and whispering "mmm naughty". It's just a lot of fun for everyone in the salon.

Because Abbie knows her nemesis Elly is a frontrunner, she decides to jump the gun and do something way too early that no other girl in the house has done yet: she tells Matt she's falling in love with him. And she does it while sitting with Matt in some weird NASA sex swing.

"I think you're so incredible and so fantastic, I'm so happy it's you," she whispers to him. "I … ah … I um … I just never thought I'd feel this way but I do - and I do see a future with you and I do see myself falling in love with you and having a life with you beyond this."

Kicking it up a notch, she begins to cry.

"I do have really strong feelings for you," she whispers in his ear. "It's a lot to explain on camera."

We roll our eyes and look for the special remote control to shoot this sex swing back into orbit.

Neil Armstrong had a similar one fyi.
Neil Armstrong had a similar one fyi.

Also, I didn't want to say anything, but Osher looks really off tonight.

I can’t put my finger on it.
I can’t put my finger on it.

Anyway. The following day, Matt takes Chelsea on a single date and he informs her they'll be hurling their bodies off the top of the Mercure Hotel and we sigh out of jealousy because that's exactly what we wish were doing instead of watching this episode.

Chelsea's not an idiot - she's an engineer - and she doesn't need a scientific calculator to figure out that she has to do something that blows Abbie out of the water. But thank gosh she did bring her scientific calculator, because that's literally all it takes to turn on Matt. Matt's already super into her. But she decides to beat Abbie at her own game and tell Matt she's also falling in love with him.

We're so annoyed that everyone's talking about these feelings way too soon. We're also very bored so we steal Chelsea's scientific calculator, type in the numbers "5318008" and then hold it upside down in front of them while giggling. ("Boobies". It spells "boobies", guys. Some of you obviously didn't do primary school maths and it shows).

‘Why are we even here tonight??’
‘Why are we even here tonight??’

Everyone is just delirious tonight and in a spin to impress Matt. At the cocktail party, Sogand strips off and belly dances even though she can't belly dance. And Elly tries to bypass the "feelings" conversation by jumping straight to nudity. It triggers our PTSD and we have flashbacks to that rec centre.

Someone get the smelly foam yoga mats, heterosexual intercourse is about to happen.
Someone get the smelly foam yoga mats, heterosexual intercourse is about to happen.

In a decision that has zero impact on the mansion and even less impact on us, Mary and Nichole are both kicked out at the rose ceremony. No one really cares and everyone kinda just shrugs.

After all, Mary will be fine. But Nichole? Now she's left with nothing - nothing but an unnecessary extra letter in her name.

For more observations on smelly foam yoga mats and the art of framing people, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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