Logies joke slaps everyone in the face
THE annual TV Week Logies has tripped over its own rules and allowed itself to become an even bigger laughing stock with Tom Gleeson steamrolling Amanda Keller to grab the Gold and outraging a nation of nans in the process - but it was a sledge from a completely different red head that confused all of us the most, and stunned Nine's homecoming queen Karl Stefanovic.
Ugh, red heads are so crafty.
How do we feel about Tom Gleeson hijacking the Gold Logie? We love Amanda Keller and she totally deserves the honour. Producers could've at least presented her with a Chrysler PT Cruiser like they did to Chrissie Swan when she was the runner-up on Big Brother.
But we also love Tom and think he's hilarious. We've all been placed in a very tricky situation here. If you get all up in arms about it, you'll look like a big nerd who doesn't get jokes and who cares way too much about the Logies.
Or worse: You'll look like one of those old ladies who actually reads TV Week but doesn't know how to vote anymore since polling officially switched from physically mailing a magazine coupon and is now exclusively done on the internet. Ugh, the internet can be so hard.
To put things into perspective, it could've been worse: Tom could've campaigned for the Gold Logie to be retrospectively awarded to Tania Zaetta.
Anyway, we'll get to the part where Amanda is robbed of a PT Cruiser in just a moment. Australia's biggest stars rolled out for the night. We're talking the who's who. The big dogs. Some of the top tier names in attendance? Richard Wilkins' son. A contestant from Married At First Sight. And Toadie.
The chick from Destiny's Child who isn't Beyonce and who's now a judge on The Voice even showed up. And as Australian TV's night of nights descended into the mess it always becomes, we all wished we could lean over to her and whisper: "Please don't tell Beyonce about this."
We'd be remiss if we didn't acknowledge the return of Nine's prodigal son Karl Stefanovic.
Obviously his e-vite came with T&Cs that meant he had to surrender his dignity and politely smile as every presenter throughout the night cracked gags about the slight hiccups in his career and relationships and life in general. Gleeson got the first few punches in but the sledge that hurt the most came from a completely unexpected redhead: Kerry O'Brien. Who knew he was such a sassy dame?
He was accepting the Hall Of Fame award so Karl thought for sure he was safe. We all did. We figured Kerry would crap on for 10 minutes about the importance of journalism in holding governments to account and then maybe reveal his beauty secret for how to maintain hair volume well into old age.
But things took a wild turn and suddenly his speech spun into a Kevin Hart Netflix comedy special.
"Sue Javes, my wife and best friend for 40 years, warned me tonight not to say how much she had helped me in my career, as Karl Stefanovic had said here at the Logies a few years ago, because it (had) probably cost him a couple of million. Sorry, darling, you are going to have to lower your sights," Kerry stumbled, referencing Karl's 2011 Gold Logie win where he thanked his then-wife Cassandra Thorburn for giving up her career to support him.
Look, his delivery wasn't bang on. But even Karl was sober enough to know he'd just been stung. Busted with a sharp cutaway shot, he was caught completely off guard. I'm pretty sure he was even hoeing into some kind of chocolate mud slice that looked like it was from the Woolworths bakery.
The only thing that would've made this better is if the rumours were true and Cass actually did rock up with those Studio 10 ratbags and producers did some ace cutaway shots to her laughing. Yet another missed opportunity but this can be executed next year. Karl gags from unexpected screen legends will always be funny.
All eyes were on those Channel 9 rebels and it must've been hard for Karl to be around his former Today colleagues.
Georgie Gardner was all bronzed and breezy but her co-host Deb Knight didn't really look herself - it must be the ratings stress.
It's around this time some band called Why Don't We performed. Now, I don't know how this band name is supposed to be pronounced. Do you say it with an upwards inflection at the end, like it's a question? Or maybe it's a statement, with emphasis placed on the "don't". Why DON'T We. I don't know. It's a rubbish band name. Richard Wilkins could've introduced them as Justice Crew and we honestly wouldn't have known.
Once we got these randoms out of the way, Guy Sebastian, Jessica Mauboy and Delta Goodrem were able to fulfil their contractual obligation of performing at every awards show held on Australian soil.
We wanted classic Mauboy but she insisted on blindsiding us with new material and performed it in front of a Windows '98 screensaver.
Delta also threw a spanner in the works when she announced she'd perform a medley of greatest hits but then just started singing Olivia Newton John's hits.
As we neared midnight, a shock realisation sank in. This whole shebang might not end the way we thought. By now, we knew Amanda was going to be barrelled over by Gleeson - but suddenly it seemed another turkey was going to win this race. A secret frontrunner had shot up past the pack: Costa - that gardener with the face pubes.
He was winning all the awards. Best Presenter! Best Lifestyle Program!
Oh no. We all got so wrapped up in Tom steamrolling Amanda, no one even considered ABC's Costa winning - and he's the main demo of all the TV Week nans! How could we have been so blind? We'd been so distracted by Tom hijacking the Logies we didn't anticipate that all the irritated nans would unite and fight back.
For a second, it seemed like they'd all become so outraged at Tom making a mockery of the beloved awards that they demanded all their grandchildren show them how to use the internet just so they could vote for Costa.
If he won, it would send a strong message that nans are not to be messed with - they know how to use the internet and they're this-close to following you and your mates on Instagram, once they figure out how to use the App store.
Nice try, nans. But Tom's campaign had spun too far out of control. There was only one way the night was going to end.
Gleeson won and there were a lot of awkward cutaway shots to the audience where it was hard to tell if people were annoyed or ecstatic or just graciously listening to what Tom was saying in his acceptance speech.
It's not the first time an angry redhead has scooped a more-qualified blonde woman who rocks a pantsuit. But it still hurt. And some felt it more than others.
Just as we shook the Pizza Shapes crumbs out of our hoodie and shuffled to bed, this random nan wielding a TV Week stormed the stage and yelled at everyone for not treating the awards with the reverence it deserves.
For more observations on PT Cruisers and Not Beyonce, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir