Tim and Kyle in a scene from My Kitchen Rules.
Tim and Kyle in a scene from My Kitchen Rules. JEREMY GREIVE

MKR recap: ‘It’s an insult and bloody un-Australian’

STREWTH cobber, if this isn't the most fair dinkum Aussie episode of MKR ever, I'll eat me hat.

The only things missing are indigenous Australians, native animals, and racist senators, but otherwise all the quintessential hallmarks of the bloody land bloody down bloody under are here:

A BARBIE AT THE BEACH, MATE

Today's challenge was to cook a barbie for surf lifesavers and Nippers on Newport Beach. You can almost smell the sunscreen and feel the sand in your gusset.

A quarter of the teams cook lamb, too, which everyone knows from being indoctrinated by advertising is about as patriotic as you can get, ya mug.

A BIT OF CASUAL SEXISM, MATE

Look, sexism is bad, but it must be said a spot of casual sexism is about as Australian as getting kookaburra poop in your thongs. So it's neither unsurprising that Della asks Kyle to take his shirt off at Coles so the female cashier gives her a discount, nor that I use that event to post a picture of him.

Now there’s a bloke in ripping nick.
Now there’s a bloke in ripping nick. Channel 7

DUNCAN'S HAT, MATE

At first, the sea of straw fedoras on most of the contestants' nuggets makes me despair for the lack of proper Aussie headwear. Then Duncan saves the day. Dunk. Dunko. This tops bastard here.

A vision in terry towelling.
A vision in terry towelling. Channel 7

RISSOLES, MATE

Josh and Amy might call them "gourmet hotdogs" and Caitie and Demi might call them "Soutzoukakia", but I'm sorry, in this country when you shape seasoned mincemeat into a patty and cook it, it's called a bloody rissole.

Looks like everybody’s kicked a goal.
Looks like everybody’s kicked a goal. Channel 7

MISSPELLING A FAST FOOD SIGN, MATE

Unfortunately today, Damo and Caz and only cook as well as they spell, but in doing so join a long Australian tradition of creative errors on menu blackboards. In New South Wales alone, there are fifty-four generally accepted versions of the word "cappuccino".

You should taste their Mexico farjitos.
You should taste their Mexico farjitos. Channel 7

THIS LEGEND, MATE

This is a kid in a beach Snuggie who's just eaten a barbecued prawn, and who says "I love all the textures about it, and the prawn was really well cooked. I love that barbecue smoky taste" like a seasoned adult food critic. This legend is, simply speaking, the star of the entire episode and the hero that Australia needs.

I’m pairing it with a decanted 2015 Ribena.
I’m pairing it with a decanted 2015 Ribena. Channel 7

THIS PICTURE, MATE

This is a picture of a bloodnut serving beef to a bunch of blokes in budgie smugglers and boardies. It's the most Australian thing you'll ever see starting with B.

Bugger me.
Bugger me. Channel 7

MULTICULTURALISM, MATE

To be quite honest, neither the original owners of this land nor its British invaders have ever been known broadly for their gifts to international cuisine. If it wasn't for the subsequent immigration of truly valuable influences from other cultures, most of the delicious offerings in this challenge wouldn't be possible.

Flavours of the Mediterranean, Asia, Africa, South America and the Middle East splodge themselves all over the dishes and improve them greatly.

Granted, there's not that many multicultural faces among the surf lifesavers, but we'll get there. We'll get there. It's come a long way, but they don't call this part of Sydney the insular peninsula for nothing.

THROWING A SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE, MATE

The winning dish is Della and Tully's chargrilled prawns, and somewhere in the distance the bits of Paul Hogan's face that still move freely smile broadly with satisfaction. Colin even announces "This is Australia" while holding one of the prawns triumphantly aloft.

Somewhere else in the distance, the purported "king of seafood" and renowned egotistical killjoy Josh shakes his fist in the air, his face like a dog licking a thistle. Sucked in, dickhead.

Judges Colin Fassnidge and Pete Evans try Della and Tully's barbecued prawns.
Judges Colin Fassnidge and Pete Evans try Della and Tully's barbecued prawns. Channel 7

BUT NOT THIS, MATE

In this entire episode, only one thing makes proud Australians clutch at their freshwater pearls with horror. It's a travesty. It's an unprecedented outrage. It's a bloody insult, is what it is.

It's Tyson and Amy putting a pressure cooker on the barbecue.

You what mate?
You what mate? Channel 7

While politicians here and overseas are making up all sorts of rules and bans to stop people supposedly threatening our way of life, there's someone right here, on our very shores, on national television, bunging a bloody pressure cooker on the barbie.

Sure, they can cook, and sure, maybe they wouldn't normally deserve to be in the bottom two teams with Caz and Damo, but that's almost treason.

Off to the sudden death cook-off you go, Tyson and Amy. Have a good hard look at yourself, ya galahs.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely

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