New Aussie stereotype baffles America
We finally managed to impress America after years of gifting them Tim Tams and several Hemsworths but now all our hard work is being undone.
Channel 9's controversial reality series Married At First Sight has started airing on Lifetime in the States and it has promoted our country as effectively as Lara Bingle did when she chirped, "So where the bloody hell are ya?"
Tourism Australia should team up with Channel 9 to produce next year's series.
So what has been the general feedback from our friends across the Pacific? It hasn't been kind.
For decades, Americans have been misguided by Aussie stereotypes. They think kangaroos hop around Sydney CBD and they assume we all talk like an Irwin. And now a new Aussie stereotype has been added to the list. Because of MAFS, Americans think all Australians are Botoxed to buggery with faces resembling human Bratz dolls.
"I've never been to Australia but just by watching this show it seems like all the women have work done and look the exact same. Maybe it's the norm there," one US viewer wrote on social media after watching our series.
Another fan agreed and noted: "I'm all about getting things done to make things better, but this s**t is over the top. Lips, Botox (and) breast! It looks so fake and plastic. Oh and teeth too."
Gosh, we know our Botox obsession is getting out of hand when even Americans reckon it's OTT. American culture turned plastic surgery into the norm! It's a country built on silicone!
The criticism is very hypocritical. If we could scrunch up our faces in disgust, we would - but we can't because we've had too much Botox.
Obviously our Australian pride got the better of us. Australians love nothing more than a competition and we turn everything into a sport. We saw Americans getting jabbed with Botox and we just had to one-up them. It's the Aussie way.
The thing is, we can't even defend ourselves to America because their broad stroke assumption is kinda right.
Over the past week in New South Wales, beauty salons and clinics were able to open again after the lockdowns. And you better believe all those eastern suburbs dames barrelled down to the clinic in their Range Rovers as soon as the doors swung open. The stampedes to the salon are the rich people's version of an Aldi Special Buys sale.
The Daily Telegraph reported some Sydney clinics are now being fitted with extra phone lines because switchboards got jammed with people calling to book in for cosmetic surgery appointments.
I even have friends who suspect acquaintances were going to back alley practitioners to get their filler fix on the down low during lockdown - like speakeasies during the Prohibition era but much less rock and roll.
What will the history books show from these chaotic times? We can look back and see how the Great Depression influenced society and fashion. In the 1930s, hemlines dropped back down to the ankle. In 2020, the coronavirus pandemic and the economic downturn have had a similar effect. But instead of hemlines dropping, it was our frown lines.
Not for long though. In a matter of days, all Australians will be Botoxed back up and looking as authentic as our new national mascots: the MAFS contestants.
WE CAN ONLY HOPE AMERICANS DON'T SEE THIS
Married At First Sight is one thing. But as a nation we should consider ourselves lucky the US isn't seeing tonight's 60 Minutes interview with Pete Evans.
Don't worry, he's not trying to make us all eat gross paleo bliss balls. But it's almost as bad. The interview is part of a story on coronavirus conspiracy theories.
It comes just weeks after the celebrity chef was fined $25,000 by The Therapeutic Goods Administration for promoting a $14,999 "light machine" he claimed could be used to treat COVID-19.
In the promo, he lays on the floor bare-chested under one of his magic lamps and it flashes like a strobe light. I'm not saying it doesn't work. I'm just saying I've danced shirtless under identical lights in many nightclubs.
For the whole interview, Liz Hayes is just sitting there with pursed lips, trying not to giggle.
A face full of Botox is the only way any of us will be able to watch it without furrowing our brows.
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Originally published as New Aussie stereotype baffles America