‘Not Centrelink’: Brutal insult to housemates
Big Brother's fan favourite is axed by her fellow housemates on Tuesday after she lashes them in a slam-dunk tirade where she details why they're all the worst - the exact rant we've imagined serving to our colleagues.
But there's a twist. Even though Angie is voted out by her bozo housemates, Big Brother knows she's the only reason we're all watching. So he taps her for a special mission that will allow her to seek revenge - especially on a cruel dame who clobbered her with a spiteful, petty act.
The mansion is also rocked by … a noise. There's no easy way to say this, so let's just deal with it head on: During one of the physical challenges, someone may or may not let one rip. The noise shakes the windows. More on this newsworthy moment soon.
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Before any of this happens, we follow Ange's final hours in the house which involve smuggling tea bags in her bra.
"I hope nobody knows about this tea bag," she mumbles to herself as she pulls the tea bag out of her bra strap.
Alone with Big Brother in the diary room, she shares her secret.
"One of them fell in the toilet," she sighs.
"You took it from the toilet and put it back in your bra?" Big Brother asks.
"Hell yeah, I'm not wasting anything because tea is precious," she replies.
A shopping challenge is announced and everyone runs outside to find a giant water slide contraption. A ball will roll down it at any time of day and they each have to race out and catch it - regardless of what they're doing in the house - when their name is called. Ugh, jeez - having to explain that task in that one sentence was just exhausting.
We wouldn't even waste time talking about this challenge, but there is a tremendous moment. As soon as we hear that the housemates have to run to the ball regardless of what they're doing, we know for sure it will happen while one of them is in the bathroom.
Cue Mat walking into a toilet stall and closing the door.
The alarm sounds and Mat's name is called. The housemates flip and run into the bathroom screaming his name. They congregate outside the stall.
"I'm doing a sh*t!" he screams, his voice echoing off the tiled walls of the bathroom.
He runs out as fast as he can but it's too late. Someone picks the ball up off the ground and throws it at him. He catches it, and we know for sure he has not yet washed his hands.
Meanwhile, Angela's stash of bra tea bags is dwindling.
"I've only got one left. And this is it," she sighs in the diary room, holding up a lone tea bag.
Over the past week, Ange has been spending most of her days in the diary room and has turned it into her own personal relaxation facility. She lazes around in that weird round chair and just chats away to Big Brother.
The stress of her dwindling tea bag collection is getting to her and she has a few simple requests for Big Brother to help take the load off.
"Can I get a masseuse today?" she casually asks. "I would love a deep tissue massage."
She reclines back in the chair and imagines the spa experience.
"Thank you, darling," she exhales.
As Angela likes to tell her peasants: "I'm on holiday". But not everyone wants to see her enjoying the vacation so much.
Keith and Zoe are in charge of the shopping list and they're still bitter about Ange putting them up for elimination last night. So they get back at her the only way they know how: by only ordering green tea instead of English breakfast. It's a vicious punch to the guts.
When the queen finds out, she declares a head will roll.
"Are you kidding me? Nobody drinks green tea in this house! Are we Japanese? No one drinks green tea in this house - no one! I'm furious. I'm really, really angry," she rages in her diary-slash-relaxation-room. "I think that was very spiteful. So now I'm gonna wind Zoe up before I chuck her out."
All the other housemates are on Ange's side. They know Zoe's decision to nix the tea from the shopping list was a cruel and petty act of payback.
"I think it's out of spite. It's a bit mean," they say. "This is the equivalent of sledging."
But while they're sympathetic, they also know Angela is the major threat. She has won the last two challenges and they want to take her out. The peasants are revolting.
Zoe's low act lights a fire under Ange. She wants to break up the group of cool kids.
At the elimination challenge, Angela pulls out her secret weapon.
The only takeaway from this challenge is Kieran blows away the competition. We mean this metaphorically, not literally. As he throws his body into the intense physical challenge, we hear a … noise.
The camera focuses on his midsection as this noise thunders into the microphone. What's the noise? Put simply: It sounds like he could've accidentally let one rip. But it's never really addressed and we're slightly disappointed that Kruges wasn't on-site during this competition to investigate and get a firm answer.
Scooping Leigh Sales yet again, I launch a special investigation into whether Kieran did indeed let one rip. A formal inquiry lodged with Endemol Shine, the production company behind Big Brother, is answered with this official response: "We think that the noise escaped from his mouth. Nobody can be certain but we don't think it was a fart."
See you at the Walkleys, Leigh!
After the noise tears across the room, everyone starts laughing before dry-heaving.
Ian wins and puts Marissa, Angela and Chad up for elimination.
Angie knows there's a target on her back. But she makes it her mission to open up the peasants' minds to why they should get rid of Chad.
"What is he contributing here," she asks the girls. They all look over at Chad to find him sun baking in a hydrating gold facial mask.
Is it enough to save her? At the elimination ceremony, Sonia Zoom calls in from her home and asks Chad why he reckons he's safe.
"I can do handstands," he mumbles. I swear to god, Chad. If it weren't for your supremely hydrated skin and lack of clothing we'd have no time for you.
Angela can feel the tension in the room and she has had enough of the cool kids just wanting to protect their own kind. Maybe it's the lack of Lipton in her bloodstream, but she can't stand that they're not taking the game seriously. This anger bubbles up to the surface as she interrupts Sonia and launches a no-holds-barred take-down of the cool kids.
"I'm getting sick and tired of people just riding the wave - they're just happy to get up in the morning, go have a tan, lie in the pool, not do the work," she begins before ramping it up. "Come challenges people are not putting 101 per cent! At the end of this, they still think it's fair for them to win the $250,000! I just want them to wake up and realise it's not Centrelink - there's no hand-outs here!"
Kablamo! The slam dunk dressing-down stuns everyone into silence.
Ange then goes and name-checks all the cool kids and points out their sneaky alliances.
We're all gobsmacked and watch on in awe and admiration. New Zealand can keep Jacinda Ardern. Ange-a-licious is our new prime minister.
It's a harsh truth all those slackers needed to hear. But it's not the most strategic move to lash everyone before they have to decide whether to vote you out of the house.
The housemates rush through the voting process and Ange is promptly kicked out.
It's a devastating moment. The only thing I can offer to ease the pain is this screenshot of Dan's ridiculous outfit.
Producers know Ange-a-licious is the only reason we're watching this mess. They can't get rid of her! Without her, we boycott.
Big Brother doesn't care what producers say. He has established a special connection with Angie ever since she turned the diary room into her own personal relaxation lounge.
Big Brother stops her in the hallway just as she's about to leave the front door.
"Your game is not quite at an end. Whilst you received the most votes tonight, you have not been voted out of the Big Brother house," he informs her.
He tells her to walk to the end of the hallway and open the door. Inside, she finds a control room, kitted out with a panel that rules all the cameras and technology inside the house. Angie is no longer queen. She is now God.
Her task? Revenge.
You really should've bought those bloody tea bags, Zoe.
Originally published as 'Not Centrelink': Brutal insult to housemates