Racy bikini stuns on Big Brother
Australia has been visually and verbally assaulted, with one Big Brother contestant asserting her dominance in a racy thong-back bikini that rivals Borat's, while the latest loser to be evicted unleashes in a "salty AF" rant as his Uber drives away.
We do not judge. Let he who has never unleashed and scream-cried in the back seat of an Uber cast the first stone.
After Monday night's premiere, producers do a mad scramble to recruit some more interesting people. It's nearing midnight and there's no more time to waste so a production assistant pulls Sonia out of bed to welcome the new randoms. She chucks on a jean jacket and hightails it down to the house to wait around in the driveway. She's honestly shouldering this whole series.
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She's then lumped with the task of telling this rag-tag troupe of oddballs they didn't initially make the cut to enter the house and are only being shipped in as an afterthought.
"I've got some news for you. This isn't the series launch - it's actually day four," she tells them, pulling it off like a bandaid so she can go sleep in the boot of her Porsche before filming resumes at 6am.
This guy takes it the hardest. He bought a new blazer from Portmans and everything.
So, who are these new additions? We only remember Chad's name.
"I'm a model and I live in Bondi (Junction) but I live in LA half the year," he explains.
Yeah, you and every other 20-something in Bondi (Junction).
At first we're intimidated by Chad and his abs but then we find out he has an old lady dog. Nothing's more of a turn off than a guy with an old lady dog.
Dan and Talia are still flirting with each other and they bond over their shared fury of the intruders. It's all very rational and not overblown at all.
"I think everyone who has been here from day one is a bit pissed off," Dan huffs, on what is day two.
"They don't understand what we've been through from day one," Talia says, referring to a day that literally only ended nine hours ago.
"We've gone through everything - the headaches, the food drama, the arguments," Dan sighs, presumedly referring to the harrowing tea bag drama.
"The original OGs, we've all got such strong connections already. These new people, they need to respect that," Talia states.
Talia is ready for a battle and she takes on the intruders the only way she knows how: by putting on a thong-back one-piece and lazing around the pool to make everyone uncomfortable and assert her dominance. This is family programming. Sonia, please lend Talia your jean jacket.
Big Brother sets a new challenge: The contestants are each given a huge block of ice with an object frozen in the middle. The mission? Get the object. It's as interesting as watching ice melt.
We're not here for silly challenges - we're here for the drama. So we go around prodding people to say mean things about their peers.
"I have to be manipulative, I have to be calculating. I wanna instil paranoia and fear that Keiran is the problem. He's the cancer of the house. And what happens when you see cancer? You cut it out," Allan explains and we suddenly become very uncomfortable being locked in the diary room with him.
He's irritated by Keiran's blatant strategising and game playing so he decides to fight it with his own strategising and game playing. It's neither a good strategy or game play because both he and Keiran get put up for elimination with Angela.
Winded by the thought she could soon be leaving the mansion, Angela does the only logical thing: she finds God.
"Please, God, protect me tonight. I'm not ready to go home," she begs on her knees.
It's probably one of the more unusual requests God has received lately, but we're sure he'll prioritise it.
Buoyed with the knowledge the Lord is on her side, Angela gets philosophical.
"It's like going to the toilet. When you release, you do a poo. And then you feel so much better," she explains, quoting Gandhi.
It turns out Jesus loves a bit of Ange-a-licious and he saves her before striking down Allan with a landslide 12 votes.
Allan doesn't see this coming and lets rip with a putrid spray, similar to what I scream at the teenager behind the counter of the Hoyts candy bar when they tell me the frozen coke machine is broken.
"I am salty AF on turbo times that by 400!" he screams in the back of the Uber as it drives away from the mansion. "That's, like, a landslide. Kieran? How the hell is Kieran still in the house? I'm lost for words. This is absolute abuse. Allan coming out second?"
It's exactly the epic fall from grace we tune in to see on these shows. And we devour every morsel of the drama like Angela ravaging this chicken drumstick:
Originally published as Racy bikini stuns on Big Brother