Talk is cheap, but action shows commitment
I HAD to pay two muscular blokes to move a mattress for me this week.
This is a sad comment on the state of my sex life. Obviously any woman who has to pay men to do that sort of odd job is not sleeping with anyone.
As all women know, when it comes to division of labour, the boyfriend or partner, and his friends, are in charge of lifting stuff.
If you want to argue with me, and tell me that this is the kind of sexist stereotype that's got us where we are today, be my guest.
I say it all evens up in the wash, given that the most recent Census statistics show women still do 14 hours of housework a week, compared to men's five.
As far as women deep in dishwashing suds or dirty laundry are concerned, jobs like taking out the garbage, fixing things and, yes, lifting things, fall to the person who spends more time on the couch with the remote control.
Being unmarried means having to unblock the toilet, organise the removalist and bury the dead animal yourself.
I have personally disposed of water dragons, bandicoots and snakes and once had to scoop a decomposed rat out of the refrigerator drip tray with a dessert spoon.
Of course some would argue this is the price of independence.
This year I am asking Santa not just for someone I can have hot dinners and sex with, but for a useful boyfriend.
I have no doubt the best kind of boyfriends aren't the most handsome, charming or stud-like, but those who can DO things - fix the plumbing, change a light fitting, build a shed or, if not, pay other people to do things.
If you're attached, I bet you can think of at least five things your partner is able to do, that you'd rather not, that makes you like them more.
I don't know what you want from Santa but a wise, older friend told me always to look at what a lover does, not says, because talk is cheap but actions demonstrate commitment.
It's little acts that say love. Even if that's as simple as switching a heavy mattress or disposing of the rat.
Follow Helen on Twitter @hhawkes